Feeling a little blue. There are going to be some big life changes that are going to happen in my life in the very, very near future. I’m moving away from home. It’s not like I haven’t moved before. In fact I have several times, if going off to college counts. My mother asked me today, as we were driving through the back country roads in the area where I live, “Is there any thing that I can help you with before you leave?” I proceeded not to answer her but to sit there and think about all that does need to get done and what doesn’t. I was about to answer when she asks me another question. She asks me this, “Do you ever feel like you don’t belong anywhere?” “STORY OF MY LIFE!!” is what I thought in my head. This made me start to think. A lot. What I have found is that I am not good company when I am thinking. I have realized that writing is what I need to do to get my thoughts out, no matter how minuscule.
Here are my thoughts. Yes, I feel like I don’t belong in a certain place. Yes, I feel that sometimes I am running away from being comfortable, because comfort can be frightening. Yes, I do feel lost as to where I need to be. No, I don’t feel like I will have this lost feeling forever. Yes, it will scared the ever-living shit out of me when the day comes where I feel comfortable walking this life I lead. Yes, people look at me like I am crazy for moving 2,000+ miles away for a job, that I could get in the town I currently live in. No, I don’t think I am crazy for moving. Yes, moving away from everything that I know is exciting, and a little bit stupid.
Not trying to sound conceded but here is how I know that people love me, want what is best for me, and want me to stay. My parents show their love and support by never asking me questions. They may not approve of everything that I do, but they never let me know it. This is a double edge sword. Sometimes I want the guidance, and on the other hand some times I just want to tell them what I am doing, with no guilt in doing it. My parents are truly amazing and supportive people when it comes to my wild ideas. Like taking a solo trip to the UK just after a terrorist attack. One of my best friends (I have three, but this is the one I have known the longest), calls me up after I tell her that I have an interview in Alaska. This is how I know she wants what is best for me; She asks me if I can handle the weather and dark winters in Alaska. Later, she recommends me getting mood enhancing lights. She truly knows me and how I think. Which is a little frightening, really. I called up one of my other best friends and told her I got the job and this was her reply, “Nooooooo.” She later apologized for her unenthusiastic reply to my news. I know that she just wants to keep me around. That is how I know that she is happy for me. My final best friend, she is the one that screamed into the phone, “OMG that is so exciting!” Then, she told me that it gives her a reason to go back to Alaska.
People show their emotions in a variety of ways. Read the above paragraph again if you don’t understand what I mean. I just tend to have moments where I feel a little lost and confused at the direction that my life is heading. If you were to ask my 16-year-old-self where I would be right now, I would have told you Hawaii.
Well 16 year-old-self, I’m going to the very opposite, Alaska. So suck it up buttercup. Life changes. Those changes are what makes life a little more exciting. A little more adventurous. And maybe, just maybe, those changes will lead to a life that doesn’t make you feel as lost as the life you are currently living. Cheers to being lost. Being lost is the only why that you will know if you are ever found.
Lost Traveller
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